Big sister Jessi

Yesterday after work we went to pick up a crib. Although I wish that we could buy all new everything for the baby, the truth is that we simply can't. My husband and I felt the call to plant a church and while God has opened many doors for us we make about $15,000 less a year. I don't say that to gripe because I believe He doesn't want us getting too comfortable in secular jobs and to rely on the world to provide for us.

So we found a crib and mattress on a Facebook group that matched our furniture. Jessi was so excited to help me put it together. She helped me wipe it all down with Clorox wipes, all the while saying that she hopes that she gets a sister so she can teach her how to be like her. It really warmed my heart to see her so excited. See this journey that we have been on has not just been hard for Chad and I, in fact there isn't a night that goes by or a meal that we eat that Jessi doesn't pray for momma to have a baby. It's hard to see you child yearn for something that you can't give them.

I also think that the fact that we are adopting helps her to normalize her own adoption. Jessi is biologically my child and very soon will be legally Chad's daughter, although he has been Daddy for over half of her life.  So her normal is that sometimes kids get adopted to put them in families that will love them and spend time with them like they are supposed to. I honestly don't think she gives it a lot of thought because it is all that she has ever known.

I guess as soon as the end of next week to a month from now we could have a child come through Respite. I recently heard that some foster parents have their foster children go to Respite care over Christmas to avoid buying them presents, that truly broke my heart. I guarantee that if I have a placement for Christmas they will have the full Christmas experience, I know my family wouldn't allow for any less even if I couldn't afford to do it myself.

So for now we wait.....

The Backwards Baby

So we had our meeting yesterday and it seemed to go very well. The only thing she said we needed to do was to put a locking door or gate up on the pool, which we already knew we needed to do. We found out a few things that I didn’t come across on my hours of research so I will list them here just in case you are starting your journey of researching:

1. When you adopt through the state of Missouri the state provides Medicare/Medicaid for the child until it turns 12 or 13 (I just don’t remember which one it was)

2. They also provide daycare until that age as well

3. Foster to Adopt is simply a way of saying that the foster parents are adopting. It’s not a program that you can sign up for. You either sign up to foster or adopt and if the plan changes from reunification then you can adopt the child you are already fostering. The plan is almost always reunification unless they have been in foster care 15 of the last 22 months then the state is required to change the plan to adoption.

4. Respite care is relatively easy to do. There are no classes to attend or home studies to pass. They simply do a background check and a walk through of your home and you are good to go.

               -Respite care is basically just babysitting a child in foster care to give the foster family a break. This can be over the weekend or longer depending on the circumstances.

5. The judge can now give a blanket out of state order for the tri-state area so we would not need to have judge approval to take a foster child out of state to see my family in Oklahoma each time we go.

So I guess the coolest thing we found out yesterday is the Respite care stuff. This gives us a way to help those kids in the older age group that may not fit in our family as a forever child but at least give them a safe place to go for a few days. The license coordinator is going to send us cards to get our fingerprinting done and then we will be set to go. The only thing she suggested is that we go ahead and get a crib so that we can do respite care for younger children as well.

That brings me to my blog title “The Backwards Baby”, sorry for such a long intro. So now that we have the green light and could actually have a child stay at our house in a matter of weeks instead of months my initial panic to prepare seems much more justified. The problem is that I have an 8 year old not a baby and while my house is now officially safe for a baby I certainly don’t have anything that a baby needs.

I know that there are many great foundations out there such as Fostering Hope and The Caring Closet that provide foster families with the things that they need for the children. My problem is twofold; first I don’t feel like it would be right to ask someone to donate a crib to me when I’m not really even fostering a child full time. Second, if I were to get pregnant I would run out and buy a brand new crib for my baby. Why should this child have any less than what I would provide it if it were to come from my own womb?

So do you have a baby shower for a child that is yet to come and if so what if it takes a year for it to get here, wouldn’t that be silly to have prepared so early? The crib is a nonnegotiable item to even get a placement overnight so it must be bought as well as bedding but what about a highchair, toys, a dresser, decorations to match the bedding you chose?

Why not just go ahead and set up the nursery as if I was pregnant and expecting? Or would that be a painful reminder that I am not and may not have a baby for quite some time?

I'm sorry that I am offering more questions than answers but I want this blog to be a realistic view of our journey, and I really don't have all the answers. I do know that I need to go shopping for a crib and leave the rest up to God to work out. 

The Adoption Positive Pregnancy Test

Today is the first step in our journey to adopt. I would say the first step in what will prove to be a long journey but quite frankly it already has been a long journey. We sent in our application to start the process in getting licensed to adopt and later today we meet with our licensing specialist at our home.

It honestly feels comparable to taking a pregnancy test and seeing a yes. I have this "we are going to have a baby we better get ready" feeling knowing that I still have several months to prepare for its arrival. Like any newly expectant mother I have scoured the web for essential items. Granted most new mothers first purchases are onesies and receiving blankets and my purchases are to ensure we pass the home study. So the first thing I bought was a 5lb fire extinguisher followed by outlet plugs, cabinet locks, and a baby gate approved for the top of stairs. I have also prepared fire escape plans for every room and have them printed and laminated. I hope the lady doesn’t think I am crazy for going overboard and preparing to quickly.

Like most expectant fathers my husband does not share my immediacy to prepare for the baby. Lucky for him in my hours of searching online blogs about fostering to adopt I ran across a profound statement to which I have applied to our situation. “My husband doesn’t have to share my level of excitement, just my level of commitment.” I also realize that he is the protector of my family and there is certainly the possibility of hurt during this process that he wants shield us from if possible.

It kind of funny to me, as we were filling out the application we came to the part that you select what type of child you would accept in your home. My husband and I had no discussion because we were already in agreement, but when I put down on the paper that we wanted a child of any gender and of any race between 0-24 months I felt a little sad. It broke my heart a little knowing that there are children out there that need homes that would not fit within the boundaries that we had chosen. While it felt good knowing that gender or skin color would not affect our ability to love and nurture a child it hurt to say that age would. See it’s really easy to feel like you are doing something noble when you start this process, I mean a lot of people think about it but very few actually put any actions to their thoughts. When you put restrictions on what type of child that you would accept it really brings you back to the reality that it is just as much about your own desire as it is helping a kid needing a family.

A friend of mine is adopting a 17 year old boy, in fact it is finalized tomorrow and while they didn’t set out to adopt a teenage boy I certainly have no doubt that God put them together. It really blesses my heart to see them together. I guess we all have our own cross to bear when it comes to this subject because at the end of the day there will always be kids out there needing a family to love them. My cross is the age restriction, yours may be feeling called to foster or adopt and never being obedient to that calling, and others might be turning a deaf ear to the need entirely. I realize adoption isn’t for everyone but in Matthew the 25 chapter God makes it very clear that we are to look out for “the least of these” which I have no doubt orphans fall into that category.



35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’



37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’



40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’


I know that not everyone is called to adopt but I would just ask that you see what God is calling you to do about the kids in need. Sorry it wasn’t my intention to mention that in this particular post but I really felt led to adding it.

I love how God does little things to confirm that you are on the right path, because truth be told I still question this decision. I don’t question our ability to love another child of our own but because I have always viewed adoption as giving up on God healing me, so I have moments where I worry that I am giving up on God instead of being obedient. I am sure that satan just trying to get me down but this morning I heard this song for the first time on my way to work and it really reaffirmed that we are on the right path.

 

I haven’t given up on God, I have submitted to His will. I still fully believe that I will get pregnant but I also believe that it may be with child number 3 instead of number 2.

This "No" was different

I cannot begin to tell you the amount of negative pregnancy tests I have taken or the "is this a symptom" thoughts I have had. The cruelest part of infertility is that PMS symptoms are so similar and with PCOS your cycle is never normal.

After writing "Renewed Strength" I did everything that a Christian woman is supposed to do to make sure that this was the month for us. I prayed and thanked God for the baby growing inside me, I prayed for my friends facing infertility, I treated my body as if I were pregnant...and if I began to doubt that I was pregnancy I would audibly rebuke Satan and tell him that he can't create a pregnancy and that he couldn't take it away from me. Despite the fact that I had no symptoms I stood on my belief that God would make it happen this time for us.

Six weeks after my last cycle I took a pregnancy test. I waited as long as I possibly could to ensure that I would not get a false negative by testing to early. So early in the morning I took what I believed would be my final pregnancy test. I prayed as I waited for the results to show up...it was a no again.

The first thought that came into my head was that maybe God was trying to tell me something that I have been too stubborn to listen to. Maybe just maybe our baby isn't going to be packaged the way that I expected. Maybe God's blessing for our family is going to come in a different way.

The concept really isn’t that new for me and my family. If you know Chad and I separately we aren’t exactly the first two people that you would expect to be paired together, but I have no doubt that God himself chose us to be together and that God chose Chad to be Jessi’s father.

So I told my husband that the test was negative and that I was ready to look into fostering or adopting as soon as he was. Of course initially he questioned my motives and was afraid that I was just upset and this was a reaction to the bad news. I really can’t blame him because my overwhelming feeling that we should adopt really shocked me. Don’t get me wrong we have talked about adoption and always thought that instead of dealing with all this infertility junk again we would skip straight to it after our next child is born.

I have really looked at adoption as giving up, but God changed my heart that morning. He gave me peace like I’ve never had before. I didn’t have that nagging feeling that if I would have prayed harder, or stood stronger and proclaimed it to the world that it would happen. In fact God was telling me that I couldn’t use the formulas that church people have put together to make miracles happen. I don’t say that to downplay the importance of those things, many times God blesses them but if prayer and anointing oil was my key to healing then we would have dozens of babies by now.  

The bottom line really is this, Chad and I have given our lives to Christ. Not just the parts that line up with our desires but our whole lives including the way He desires to build our family.

So after much discussion about what exactly this means to our family and deciding what restrictions we would place on the type of child we would open our home to we send off the application to foster to adopt today.

Enduring your Storm

I want to thank everyone for your response to "Renewed Strength". I am beginning to realize that blogging reaches people that otherwise I would never have a chance to speak with.

I want encourage you in whatever storm you are going through to keep fighting the good fight. As I shared yesterday my storm has been years of trying unsuccessfully to conceive, and while that has been a struggle for me it does not mean that it is the only struggle out there. It doesn't take long to find people in the midst of their storm if you pay attention. A quick look at Facebook and I see people battling illness, loneliness and financial issues.

One of the greatest examples of a person in the midst of their storm is composer Horatio Spafford. After tragically losing his son a couple of years early he sent his wife and four daughters to Europe by ship for vacation. He planned to join them after finishing up some business at home but received word that the ship had a collision and none of his daughters survived. His trip was no longer a vacation but to meet up with his mourning wife and on that journey he wrote the words to this song.


Check this out on Chirbit

Now I don't know about you but I've never faced that type of heartache before and I thank God for protecting me from it. But Horatio had the same choice back in 1873 that we have today, he could chose to complain and blame God or he could say. "I don't understand this God but I know that you are a just and loving God and I trust you." The lyrics of his song plainly show his choice, but how do we cling to God in the middle of our storm?

First, glorify God in your actions and words. I am a firm believer that anything God allows He can prevent and anything He prevents He can allow. So if God is allowing something in your life then you are to use it for His glory. I'm not saying that you will always know why things happen but regardless of why it happened put your full faith in God. If everything is always good all the time then we start to think that we can do this alone. I thank God for the trials in my life because they are what has brought me closer to God. We have to speak positive and walk in faith. His word says:

Philippians 4:8

New International Version (NIV)

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Second, search your heart and look for sin or unforgiveness. I am not saying that God will punish you with sickness if you have hidden sin, but I am saying that it may be the key to your healing. Maybe God is desperately seeking after you to repent and lets face it we pray more when things are out of control. Use this time and ask God to search your heart; what do you have to lose? Even if you're not hiding unforgiveness or sin, using this time to make sure you are in right standing with God will help refocus your life.

Lastly, pray for others earnestly and often. When we realize that everyone has struggles and needs prayer we realize that our situation isn't unique. Praying for others sets you free of your self pity. It encourages you when you see God moving in their situation. It builds up the body of Christ and brings purpose and meaning to your storm. It allows your prayer life to expand and your perspective to change.

James 5:16

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁶ Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

It's really your choice how you handle the storms of your life. Just know that God is in control and even when we don't understand why something is happening we can trust in Him. So many times in my life I have been able to look back and see why God allowed or stopped something and His way has ALWAYS been better than my way.

*Song used with Mahana's permission. (I'm sure my hubby doesn't mind either)

Renewed Strength

Last week we had a revival at our new church. Jim King from my home town came and preached directly to me all four days. It has honestly been a long time since I have felt that much conviction and hope. Don't get me wrong I can get something out of just about every sermon, but this was different...it was God speaking directly to me night after night through His servant.

The first night message was on "How to persevere after a long time of praying". Wow, I have never heard anyone preach an entire message on that subject. Typically it's a brief statement about not giving up. God was telling me that He heard my prayers and to continue to go boldly before Him. Second, he said to trust...don't let your experience rob you of your trust. That is exactly what I have been doing. After 3 years of trying and month after month of being disappointed I gave up. I didn't give up on God's ability but I gave up on His promises to give us a baby. He also said to trust your source not your resource. It's so funny to me when God calls me out on something, just days before I had been thinking about trying a new fertility vitamin. I never had peace about it because my cycle was finally starting to regulate without using any medications. I couldn't stop researching it though because it seemed like a new hope that worked so well for others with PCOS. I even thought that I would go ahead and take the clomid that has been sitting in my medicine cabinet. I just doubted that God was going to do this so I was looking at the world for my cure. Finally he said to stand and remember that God is always faithful. I refuse to quit or give up and I am standing on his word. His word is full of promises that we will be fruitful. Here are some if you are in the thick of this thing too:

Galatians 3:29, Galatians 3:9
"Now that you belong to Christ, you are the true children of Abraham. You are his heirs, and now all the promises God gave to him belong to you."

Psalm 113:9
He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the LORD!

Deuteronomy 7:14
You shall be blessed above all peoples; there shall not be a male or female barren among you or among your livestock.

Exodus 23:26
There shall be no one miscarrying or barren in your land; I will fulfill the number of your days.

The second night message was on forgiveness. Now I have heard many sermons on forgiveness so I have no idea why this one rang so loudly in my ears. I felt God telling me that if I expected Him to forgive me and bless me with a baby then I had to forgive the one person that I have had so much trouble forgiving. I had spent seven years married to this person and the hurts were many but the deepest was the outward disregard for our daughter. Although my husband is now adopting her it really cut me very deeply that her biological father would be willing to let him. Like most mothers it was one thing to hurt me but it's another to hurt my baby. So I prayed and asked to Lord to help me to forgive and to walk in forgiveness even when new hurts come up. I think for the first time that night I truly forgave him. I made a promise to never speak poorly of him again; God doesn't remind me of my mistakes or tell others how crappy I have been because that isn't true forgiveness. A weight was lifted.

The next night was on being the salt of the Earth. We are put here to be different to be set apart for the rest of the world. So if I sit back and feel sorry for myself that God has not given us a baby yet then how exactly am I different? If I have no hope when I speak to others about my struggles getting pregnant then what kind of a God do I show others that I am serving? If I say that I have hope and yet no longer believe that I will become pregnant then I am a liar. I felt so convicted that night. I asked for forgiveness and had a new hope restored.  God isn’t punishing me it just hasn’t been His timing yet. My walk with God is very public and yet privately I was mourning the loss of what could have been each month. I was broken but I had stopped looking to God to fix me, I was no longer desperate for His touch. I had let myself be defeated.

The final night he preached on getting your breakthrough. Honestly, this night I tried to not respond. I had already been up for prayer and Satan was telling me that I shouldn’t go up again. Thank God I have a husband who also listens to God’s voice. He went up during alter time and I tried to tell myself he may be up for a different reason. Finally I was obedient to God and joined my husband. We had a prayer warrior come up who had no idea why we were up there. I could tell he presumed it was for prayer over our church planting that we had shared with the congregation. He prayed that we would be fruitful and then said, “I don’t know why but I feel like I need to pray for you to be physically fruitful as well.” That alone would have been awesome but God didn’t stop there, a woman standing next to my husband during prayer told us not to leave because she had a word for us. The evangelist came over to pray with us and my husband asked him about adoption as his ministry was over a Ukraine orphanage. He immediately asked to pray with us and told us to be true to the desires of our heart. God knew that I needed someone to tell me I don’t have to be ready for adoption yet. Finally, the woman came over and spoke with us; it turned out to be our pastor’s daughter. She said that for some reason 7 years was going through her head. Just the day before I had been thinking that I can’t wait until Chad and I have been married longer than 7 years. As silly as it seems I wanted my new life to surpass the time of my old life. She went on to say that my ministry is just as important as my husband’s, it’s hard when you have a very anointed spouse to feel like the behind the scenes stuff is just as important or that God will use you equally. She said that I see people as God sees them and that I will be able to reach women that others cannot. Our ministry would be a deliverance ministry. Then she said for some reason she felt the word pregnancy in her spirit. I could tell that it was hard for her to say that and honestly if you don’t know someone it would be really difficult tell them God is speaking pregnancy to them. I am glad that she was obedient to God because I felt validated and empowered like never before.

I have been telling my husband that I will be pregnant by the end of the year and now I mean it. I have drawn a line in the sand. Satan has no dominion over my family and over our fertility. He isn’t the giver of life and he can’t stop the God I serve from blessing me with a child. God said whatsoever is bound on earth will be bound in heaven. I am speaking in faith and binding the power that I have allowed him to have over my fertility. I am not infertile; I am the daughter of the King who gives life. Don’t give up hope, God loves you and He hears your prayers.

I added a song that I recorded while my husband was doing worship one morning. I really has ministered to me during the down times in all of this.
Check this out on Chirbit

Is that supposed to help?

Now that you have a look into my infertility journey I think it would only be right for me to help you react appropriately. Now I certainly don’t expect you to react in a certain way but possibly help you to avoid being hurtful accidently. Hopefully you will find this humorous…especially if you find that you are guilty of using any of the following.

What Not to Say to a Person Suffering From Infertility:

1.     Just relax it will happen. (This is quite possibly the most common reaction after someone asks for a status update on our baby journey and makes me the craziest.)

·        My infertility is caused by my pituitary gland being unable to regulate my hormones appropriately. Your pituitary gland is responsible for regulating your hormones and insulin levels. Malfunctioning pituitary glands cause diabetes or in my case PCOS and requires medication to regulate it or a touch from God to heal it once and for all.

·         After several months to years of trying to get pregnant and it not happening it is impossible to relax. Suggesting to a person who is on an emotional rollercoaster each month that it is somehow their fault for being too stressed is just mean. Don’t worry, we know that you didn’t mean it that way but it still hurts.

·        I fully believe that God is the only one who answers prayers and has the ability to create life…pretty handy having Him on my side. I know that He will bless me with a baby in His perfect timing. I’m also convinced that my miracle is not contingent upon my stress level.

2.     My friend had the same issue until they adopted, then she got pregnant.

·        Adoption is great and should God call us to adopt we will be obedient to that calling. While I am open to the idea of adoption I certainly would not try it as a remedy for our infertility. I often wonder what an appropriate response when someone says this to me….

3.     Be glad you don’t have to deal with (insert pregnancy symptom here)

·        Obviously this one usually comes from a pregnant friend looking for some sympathy. Sorry I’m not a big enough person to look past my own three plus year yearning desire to become pregnant to feel sorry for anyone who is. I guess admitting I have a problem is the first step. Griping about your pregnancy to me is like griping to a starving person that there isn’t any good to eat on the buffet.

4.     Can’t you change your plans and come to my baby shower?

·        Ok I realize that my excuse was probably not the best or maybe I really do have plans. The reality is that it is just really hard for me to attend without wanting to bust out in tears. This doesn’t mean that I’m not happy for you or that I’m wanting to cheap out on a gift. It’s just really hard to sit through an hour or two of celebration, where inevitably someone will say “one day that will be you” and not want to jump off of a cliff. In my mind I am protecting myself from the reality of my situation and protecting you from the awkwardness that my infertility brings to your shower.

So that pretty much sums it up. I hope that you aren’t offended by my list but I felt it was my public services for all of us infertile folks.

My Heart's Desire

I’m assuming you came to this page because you either know me or by mere happenstance, for those of you who are here due to a faulty Google search here is my infertility journey in a nutshell.

I have known pretty much my entire life that I wanted to be a mother. I’m still unsure of what I want to be when I grow up but I always have known it would include a family of my own. I currently have an eight year old daughter who is the light of my life. My husband, Pastor Chad, is in the process of adopting her. I will let you draw your own conclusions as to the events leading up to that. We have been married almost four years and almost immediately after marriage decided to have a baby as soon as God would allow.

Fast forward to today, apparently God didn’t get the memo that “as soon as He allowed” was my way of saying as soon as possible. Alas, God uses everything to mold us and shape us into who He wants us to be when we say “not my will Lord but yours”. While I don’t know every reason that God has not given me this particular desire of my heart I know without a doubt that He is keenly aware of my desire and will give me a baby in His perfect timing. In the mean time I have figured out a few reasons for the delayed miracle.

·        God first gave Chad an opportunity to bond with Jessi and is allowing him to officially become her father before we have one together.

·        God has called us to another state to plant a church and the transition has been insanely easier without an infant in tow.

·        God has taught me to be patient and that I can’t control everything even with the best planning.

·        God has given me a deep appreciation for a man who would forgo the opportunity to try for his own biological child through IUI to free up the funds to adopt OUR daughter.

·        God has allowed for many friendships and conversations with people going through the same issues.

I am sure there are a ton more reasons but that is what initially has come to my mind. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis when I was 16. I conceived my daughter without the use of reproductive medicines and had no idea what journey I was in for with number two. Three years ago I had laparoscopic surgery to remove the endometriosis and went on Lupron for 6 months. (Lupron is chemically induced menopause, peachy for a new marriage) God healed me of endometriosis and despite doctor’s expectations it has not returned. I was diagnosed with PCOS 8 months after marriage when I knew from charting that I was not ovulating. After years of metformin, 6 months total of clomid and countless other tests and procedures I am still not pregnant.

I decided a few months ago that I was done trying, done taking medicine, done secretly hoping that I would be pregnant instead of late again as always….just done. I still have no doubt that God will give me a baby of my own and let me have the joy of a pregnancy enjoyed by both parents. Although I may eventually go back on medications and would even be willing to try IVF, I will wait for God to open the financial door first if that is how He plans to make this happen. Right now our fertility or lack therefore of is His problem and not mine anymore, it’s been laid at his feet to deal with and when He is ready to pick it up and put the pieces together for us I will be ready. Until then I have a house to remodel and a church to plant and I’m running out of time before He comes back for all of His children.

Breastfeeding revisted

So recently my husband told me I should start a blog about our infertility journey. He thought it would be therapeutic for me and help other women. I agree but that isn’t what I want to talk about today that will all be discussed soon enough. Today breastfeeding is what is on my mind thanks to a Facebook friend’s recent posts. Yes I realize I am putting the cart before the horse LOL.

A relative by marriage recently posted a few professional pictures of herself breastfeeding her son and someone tried to report it as offensive. It really got me to thinking as to where do I stand on the issue. As her friends rallied around her in support, a picture of seemingly drunken 20 year olds in their string bikinis was posted next to a breastfeeding mother questioning why the 20 year olds weren’t offense but the mother was. Immediately my reaction was that I really would rather not see either, so I guess that gave me my first clue as to my stance on the topic. I think you can be modest and still effectively nurse your baby.

I started questioning myself deeper on the issue to have a clear set of personal guidelines for when God blesses me with a baby. Which by the way I plan on breastfeeding if at all possible, my daughter had an undiagnosed tied tongue and I was unable to with her. I certainly don’t think a mother should be shamed into a public restroom to feed her child but where is the line? I remember our former youth pastor’s wife, who could discreetly feed her baby anywhere. She knew what to wear when she was away from home that would easily allow her to breastfeed and all the while you would just think the baby was sleeping snuggled up to her mother. My sister was also breastfeeding at the time and she let me know that I would never be able to do that. God gave my sister and me a double portion in that department and she told me my arms aren’t long enough LOL. So again I am left trying to figure out what is right for me.

I guess the thought of exposing that much skin in public is just far beyond my comfort zone and for my even more modest pastor of a husband would be devastating. I feel that my child has a right to eat anywhere, however I also feel accountable for what images of myself that I allow to float in someone else’s head. Yes I agree that men are accountable for their thoughts but I also believe that a woman has a responsibility in that when she exposes parts of her body whether it is wearing skimpy clothing or feeding her child and exposing more than necessary to get the job done. So I guess that is pretty much it for me, I’ll be a blanket nurser. Let the stoning begin……