Is that supposed to help?

Now that you have a look into my infertility journey I think it would only be right for me to help you react appropriately. Now I certainly don’t expect you to react in a certain way but possibly help you to avoid being hurtful accidently. Hopefully you will find this humorous…especially if you find that you are guilty of using any of the following.

What Not to Say to a Person Suffering From Infertility:

1.     Just relax it will happen. (This is quite possibly the most common reaction after someone asks for a status update on our baby journey and makes me the craziest.)

·        My infertility is caused by my pituitary gland being unable to regulate my hormones appropriately. Your pituitary gland is responsible for regulating your hormones and insulin levels. Malfunctioning pituitary glands cause diabetes or in my case PCOS and requires medication to regulate it or a touch from God to heal it once and for all.

·         After several months to years of trying to get pregnant and it not happening it is impossible to relax. Suggesting to a person who is on an emotional rollercoaster each month that it is somehow their fault for being too stressed is just mean. Don’t worry, we know that you didn’t mean it that way but it still hurts.

·        I fully believe that God is the only one who answers prayers and has the ability to create life…pretty handy having Him on my side. I know that He will bless me with a baby in His perfect timing. I’m also convinced that my miracle is not contingent upon my stress level.

2.     My friend had the same issue until they adopted, then she got pregnant.

·        Adoption is great and should God call us to adopt we will be obedient to that calling. While I am open to the idea of adoption I certainly would not try it as a remedy for our infertility. I often wonder what an appropriate response when someone says this to me….

3.     Be glad you don’t have to deal with (insert pregnancy symptom here)

·        Obviously this one usually comes from a pregnant friend looking for some sympathy. Sorry I’m not a big enough person to look past my own three plus year yearning desire to become pregnant to feel sorry for anyone who is. I guess admitting I have a problem is the first step. Griping about your pregnancy to me is like griping to a starving person that there isn’t any good to eat on the buffet.

4.     Can’t you change your plans and come to my baby shower?

·        Ok I realize that my excuse was probably not the best or maybe I really do have plans. The reality is that it is just really hard for me to attend without wanting to bust out in tears. This doesn’t mean that I’m not happy for you or that I’m wanting to cheap out on a gift. It’s just really hard to sit through an hour or two of celebration, where inevitably someone will say “one day that will be you” and not want to jump off of a cliff. In my mind I am protecting myself from the reality of my situation and protecting you from the awkwardness that my infertility brings to your shower.

So that pretty much sums it up. I hope that you aren’t offended by my list but I felt it was my public services for all of us infertile folks.

My Heart's Desire

I’m assuming you came to this page because you either know me or by mere happenstance, for those of you who are here due to a faulty Google search here is my infertility journey in a nutshell.

I have known pretty much my entire life that I wanted to be a mother. I’m still unsure of what I want to be when I grow up but I always have known it would include a family of my own. I currently have an eight year old daughter who is the light of my life. My husband, Pastor Chad, is in the process of adopting her. I will let you draw your own conclusions as to the events leading up to that. We have been married almost four years and almost immediately after marriage decided to have a baby as soon as God would allow.

Fast forward to today, apparently God didn’t get the memo that “as soon as He allowed” was my way of saying as soon as possible. Alas, God uses everything to mold us and shape us into who He wants us to be when we say “not my will Lord but yours”. While I don’t know every reason that God has not given me this particular desire of my heart I know without a doubt that He is keenly aware of my desire and will give me a baby in His perfect timing. In the mean time I have figured out a few reasons for the delayed miracle.

·        God first gave Chad an opportunity to bond with Jessi and is allowing him to officially become her father before we have one together.

·        God has called us to another state to plant a church and the transition has been insanely easier without an infant in tow.

·        God has taught me to be patient and that I can’t control everything even with the best planning.

·        God has given me a deep appreciation for a man who would forgo the opportunity to try for his own biological child through IUI to free up the funds to adopt OUR daughter.

·        God has allowed for many friendships and conversations with people going through the same issues.

I am sure there are a ton more reasons but that is what initially has come to my mind. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis when I was 16. I conceived my daughter without the use of reproductive medicines and had no idea what journey I was in for with number two. Three years ago I had laparoscopic surgery to remove the endometriosis and went on Lupron for 6 months. (Lupron is chemically induced menopause, peachy for a new marriage) God healed me of endometriosis and despite doctor’s expectations it has not returned. I was diagnosed with PCOS 8 months after marriage when I knew from charting that I was not ovulating. After years of metformin, 6 months total of clomid and countless other tests and procedures I am still not pregnant.

I decided a few months ago that I was done trying, done taking medicine, done secretly hoping that I would be pregnant instead of late again as always….just done. I still have no doubt that God will give me a baby of my own and let me have the joy of a pregnancy enjoyed by both parents. Although I may eventually go back on medications and would even be willing to try IVF, I will wait for God to open the financial door first if that is how He plans to make this happen. Right now our fertility or lack therefore of is His problem and not mine anymore, it’s been laid at his feet to deal with and when He is ready to pick it up and put the pieces together for us I will be ready. Until then I have a house to remodel and a church to plant and I’m running out of time before He comes back for all of His children.

Breastfeeding revisted

So recently my husband told me I should start a blog about our infertility journey. He thought it would be therapeutic for me and help other women. I agree but that isn’t what I want to talk about today that will all be discussed soon enough. Today breastfeeding is what is on my mind thanks to a Facebook friend’s recent posts. Yes I realize I am putting the cart before the horse LOL.

A relative by marriage recently posted a few professional pictures of herself breastfeeding her son and someone tried to report it as offensive. It really got me to thinking as to where do I stand on the issue. As her friends rallied around her in support, a picture of seemingly drunken 20 year olds in their string bikinis was posted next to a breastfeeding mother questioning why the 20 year olds weren’t offense but the mother was. Immediately my reaction was that I really would rather not see either, so I guess that gave me my first clue as to my stance on the topic. I think you can be modest and still effectively nurse your baby.

I started questioning myself deeper on the issue to have a clear set of personal guidelines for when God blesses me with a baby. Which by the way I plan on breastfeeding if at all possible, my daughter had an undiagnosed tied tongue and I was unable to with her. I certainly don’t think a mother should be shamed into a public restroom to feed her child but where is the line? I remember our former youth pastor’s wife, who could discreetly feed her baby anywhere. She knew what to wear when she was away from home that would easily allow her to breastfeed and all the while you would just think the baby was sleeping snuggled up to her mother. My sister was also breastfeeding at the time and she let me know that I would never be able to do that. God gave my sister and me a double portion in that department and she told me my arms aren’t long enough LOL. So again I am left trying to figure out what is right for me.

I guess the thought of exposing that much skin in public is just far beyond my comfort zone and for my even more modest pastor of a husband would be devastating. I feel that my child has a right to eat anywhere, however I also feel accountable for what images of myself that I allow to float in someone else’s head. Yes I agree that men are accountable for their thoughts but I also believe that a woman has a responsibility in that when she exposes parts of her body whether it is wearing skimpy clothing or feeding her child and exposing more than necessary to get the job done. So I guess that is pretty much it for me, I’ll be a blanket nurser. Let the stoning begin……