My Heart's Desire

I’m assuming you came to this page because you either know me or by mere happenstance, for those of you who are here due to a faulty Google search here is my infertility journey in a nutshell.

I have known pretty much my entire life that I wanted to be a mother. I’m still unsure of what I want to be when I grow up but I always have known it would include a family of my own. I currently have an eight year old daughter who is the light of my life. My husband, Pastor Chad, is in the process of adopting her. I will let you draw your own conclusions as to the events leading up to that. We have been married almost four years and almost immediately after marriage decided to have a baby as soon as God would allow.

Fast forward to today, apparently God didn’t get the memo that “as soon as He allowed” was my way of saying as soon as possible. Alas, God uses everything to mold us and shape us into who He wants us to be when we say “not my will Lord but yours”. While I don’t know every reason that God has not given me this particular desire of my heart I know without a doubt that He is keenly aware of my desire and will give me a baby in His perfect timing. In the mean time I have figured out a few reasons for the delayed miracle.

·        God first gave Chad an opportunity to bond with Jessi and is allowing him to officially become her father before we have one together.

·        God has called us to another state to plant a church and the transition has been insanely easier without an infant in tow.

·        God has taught me to be patient and that I can’t control everything even with the best planning.

·        God has given me a deep appreciation for a man who would forgo the opportunity to try for his own biological child through IUI to free up the funds to adopt OUR daughter.

·        God has allowed for many friendships and conversations with people going through the same issues.

I am sure there are a ton more reasons but that is what initially has come to my mind. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis when I was 16. I conceived my daughter without the use of reproductive medicines and had no idea what journey I was in for with number two. Three years ago I had laparoscopic surgery to remove the endometriosis and went on Lupron for 6 months. (Lupron is chemically induced menopause, peachy for a new marriage) God healed me of endometriosis and despite doctor’s expectations it has not returned. I was diagnosed with PCOS 8 months after marriage when I knew from charting that I was not ovulating. After years of metformin, 6 months total of clomid and countless other tests and procedures I am still not pregnant.

I decided a few months ago that I was done trying, done taking medicine, done secretly hoping that I would be pregnant instead of late again as always….just done. I still have no doubt that God will give me a baby of my own and let me have the joy of a pregnancy enjoyed by both parents. Although I may eventually go back on medications and would even be willing to try IVF, I will wait for God to open the financial door first if that is how He plans to make this happen. Right now our fertility or lack therefore of is His problem and not mine anymore, it’s been laid at his feet to deal with and when He is ready to pick it up and put the pieces together for us I will be ready. Until then I have a house to remodel and a church to plant and I’m running out of time before He comes back for all of His children.